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Dear Diary,
Day 17 and I still miss Yuki. Otherwise things are going swell. Sensei says my singing lessons are coming along fine, but I feel like I have even less voice control than I did before. Everyone insists the CD sounds great so far, tho, so I won't worry about it. K claims our music sounds more like Blessid Union of Souls than the Beatles, but at least we don't sound like every other j-pop group out there now. I never wanted to sound like the Beatles anyway. I just wanted to achieve what they did.
Tohma, Mika and I took the baby to Ginza Fashion Week, and all of us came away with at least one new outfit. The baby made out the best, as both parents spoil him rotten. They buy him toys and clothes every time they leave the house. He's going to grow up to be a little emperor, just like his daddy.
Hopefully he won't have his dad's inner sadness, though. I don't think he will. Tohma must have had a high pressure childhood, with parents who wanted him to excel at everything. Sometimes I watch him play with the baby. He often tries to egg him on to speak or walk or do some other thing he's not really ready for yet, but then Tohma catches himself and says, "At your own pace, little man." I think by the time the kid grows up, it'll be second nature to Tohma to let him achieve goals at his own pace. He's so good with the baby, reading him stories and singing to him. He plays with him a lot more than my dad ever did with me, and I'm a little jealous. So he's kind of neurotic about checking toy packaging for choking hazards and such. I think that's just to avoid what Yuki used to complain about before—that thing about how Tohma used to take his toys away when he was a kid. The question is why Yuki's parents let him have dangerous toys in the first place. Tohma's kid has thousands of toys, and none of them could hurt him. I don't think Yuki's father was particularly diligent about that kind of thing. He was too wrapped up in being a good Buddhist to worry about being a good parent. Tohma and Mika, tho, try so hard to be good parents. I guess Mika got a lot of practice raising Yuki and Tatsuha.
It's funny that I didn't used to like them that much. I thought Mika was kind of bitchy and Tohma was downright evil. Now I think Mika's very snarky and cynical, but not mean. She honestly wants to do what's best for Yuki. Tohma has so many demons, and many regrets about the past. It colors everything he is and does. Both of them sacrifice so much for Yuki, but he's never appreciated either of them and very vicious to them at times. They never get angry or cruel with him, tho. He's just like a spoiled brat who never learned just how much other people suffer. He only understands his own suffering. I see him in a whole new light now, and it confirms that I shouldn't go back to him until he works through his issues.
He comes over sometimes and plays with the baby, talks to Tohma loud enough for me to hear, and orders Mika to fetch his beer and cigarettes. Tohma's very gracious, and always tries to include me in the conversation. Then it ends up being me and Tohma talking to each other, and Yuki sits between us pretending he couldn't care less about either of us. Ha! I see right through that now. He's a little emperor himself, always expecting people to jump through hoops for him. It only reinforces how much more charming Tohma is.
Tohma did the sweetest thing the other day. I was going to throw out the turtle Yuki gave me, but I felt so guilty wasting so much money. He must have paid a fortune for it. I just didn't like it, tho, and I don't know anyone who'd want such a thing. I guess I could give it to Mika, but then I'd have to look at it every day if I continued to live here. Then Tohma stopped me and said I shouldn't throw it in the garbage—I could give it to charity or re-associate it with a good memory instead of a bad one. I asked him how you do that, and he said he'd take care of it. So I gave him the turtle, and over the weekend he returned it to me. He'd had a professional artist paint some eyes and whiskers on it, and one of the fashion designers at the Ginza fashion show sewed a tiny little fleece Kumagoro suit for it. He'd dressed up the turtle as Kumagoro. Ha! It's so darn kyooot now, and I want to show it to Ryuichi the next time he comes to visit. I keep the turtle on the nightstand where I can see it, because it makes me think of Tohma now instead of Yuki.
I don't know what to do exactly about the ring, so I've just packed it away in one of my suitcases. I should give it back to Yuki, but I know that'll start another fight, and I'm so tired of all the drama. With Tohma there's no drama, even tho there should be since he's married and everything. Maybe his wife just wants him to be happy, even if it means there's someone else. Or maybe she's seeing someone else herself. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, but I see something now I didn't before. Tohma's the one I was destined to be with. I think I was meant to experience Yuki first so I'd know how much better it could be with Tohma. I only know that I never want to leave this house or these people, and I want everyone to be happy...especially me.
— from the diary of Shuichi Shindo
TBC
Dear Diary,
Day 17 and I still miss Yuki. Otherwise things are going swell. Sensei says my singing lessons are coming along fine, but I feel like I have even less voice control than I did before. Everyone insists the CD sounds great so far, tho, so I won't worry about it. K claims our music sounds more like Blessid Union of Souls than the Beatles, but at least we don't sound like every other j-pop group out there now. I never wanted to sound like the Beatles anyway. I just wanted to achieve what they did.
Tohma, Mika and I took the baby to Ginza Fashion Week, and all of us came away with at least one new outfit. The baby made out the best, as both parents spoil him rotten. They buy him toys and clothes every time they leave the house. He's going to grow up to be a little emperor, just like his daddy.
Hopefully he won't have his dad's inner sadness, though. I don't think he will. Tohma must have had a high pressure childhood, with parents who wanted him to excel at everything. Sometimes I watch him play with the baby. He often tries to egg him on to speak or walk or do some other thing he's not really ready for yet, but then Tohma catches himself and says, "At your own pace, little man." I think by the time the kid grows up, it'll be second nature to Tohma to let him achieve goals at his own pace. He's so good with the baby, reading him stories and singing to him. He plays with him a lot more than my dad ever did with me, and I'm a little jealous. So he's kind of neurotic about checking toy packaging for choking hazards and such. I think that's just to avoid what Yuki used to complain about before—that thing about how Tohma used to take his toys away when he was a kid. The question is why Yuki's parents let him have dangerous toys in the first place. Tohma's kid has thousands of toys, and none of them could hurt him. I don't think Yuki's father was particularly diligent about that kind of thing. He was too wrapped up in being a good Buddhist to worry about being a good parent. Tohma and Mika, tho, try so hard to be good parents. I guess Mika got a lot of practice raising Yuki and Tatsuha.
It's funny that I didn't used to like them that much. I thought Mika was kind of bitchy and Tohma was downright evil. Now I think Mika's very snarky and cynical, but not mean. She honestly wants to do what's best for Yuki. Tohma has so many demons, and many regrets about the past. It colors everything he is and does. Both of them sacrifice so much for Yuki, but he's never appreciated either of them and very vicious to them at times. They never get angry or cruel with him, tho. He's just like a spoiled brat who never learned just how much other people suffer. He only understands his own suffering. I see him in a whole new light now, and it confirms that I shouldn't go back to him until he works through his issues.
He comes over sometimes and plays with the baby, talks to Tohma loud enough for me to hear, and orders Mika to fetch his beer and cigarettes. Tohma's very gracious, and always tries to include me in the conversation. Then it ends up being me and Tohma talking to each other, and Yuki sits between us pretending he couldn't care less about either of us. Ha! I see right through that now. He's a little emperor himself, always expecting people to jump through hoops for him. It only reinforces how much more charming Tohma is.
Tohma did the sweetest thing the other day. I was going to throw out the turtle Yuki gave me, but I felt so guilty wasting so much money. He must have paid a fortune for it. I just didn't like it, tho, and I don't know anyone who'd want such a thing. I guess I could give it to Mika, but then I'd have to look at it every day if I continued to live here. Then Tohma stopped me and said I shouldn't throw it in the garbage—I could give it to charity or re-associate it with a good memory instead of a bad one. I asked him how you do that, and he said he'd take care of it. So I gave him the turtle, and over the weekend he returned it to me. He'd had a professional artist paint some eyes and whiskers on it, and one of the fashion designers at the Ginza fashion show sewed a tiny little fleece Kumagoro suit for it. He'd dressed up the turtle as Kumagoro. Ha! It's so darn kyooot now, and I want to show it to Ryuichi the next time he comes to visit. I keep the turtle on the nightstand where I can see it, because it makes me think of Tohma now instead of Yuki.
I don't know what to do exactly about the ring, so I've just packed it away in one of my suitcases. I should give it back to Yuki, but I know that'll start another fight, and I'm so tired of all the drama. With Tohma there's no drama, even tho there should be since he's married and everything. Maybe his wife just wants him to be happy, even if it means there's someone else. Or maybe she's seeing someone else herself. I don't know. I don't want to hurt her, but I see something now I didn't before. Tohma's the one I was destined to be with. I think I was meant to experience Yuki first so I'd know how much better it could be with Tohma. I only know that I never want to leave this house or these people, and I want everyone to be happy...especially me.
— from the diary of Shuichi Shindo
TBC
